Back at it...

Okay, so I had my first mental health clinical. LOL... Loved it. I cannot see any possibility of having a dull day there. Patient had schizo affective disorder, antisocial personality disorder. Had a great day actually, I am a little disappointed now that my employer has been paying for my schooling. I owe them 2 years on my cardiac floor, I have mixed feelings about this. I do know it will benefit me in the long run to get out there right after school. I would of liked to get right into mental health but hey... My nutrition class sucks, chaotic is an understatement. But I am doing fine, I have a mid 80's average right now. =) Anyway, I have off tomorrow and I am wide awake. I have about a month to go for this semester. I have been back at it, back to having my head in the books. Sometimes I truelly wonder if I have ADHD, long sessions of concentration are very hard to come by these days. I also have been working some extra hours. I am pooped. I need a break. We finally booked our cruise for October 2009. lol, I can't even tell you the last vacation I went on, always on the grind doing something. OOh, check the pics.



They are in 1st and kindergarten. Both of them are way too smart for their ages. They are learning Spanish, they are so funny. Everything they see, "Aunt Stef, what do you call parakeet in Spanish, what do you call bunk beds in Spanish." I need to learn Spanish. I can't wait to graduate, I can finally spend more time and money on them. I will be putting them into karate classes, teaches you much more than simply karate. Did wonders for me. So enough for tonight

I truly hope this is the man I voted for

Barack Obama wants gay marriage.
by RevSpitz

A quick vent...

Proposition 8, BANNING gay marriage was approved. To BAN it. Who do I hurt to have others treat me in such a way. I work, pay taxes, never been arrested, go to school to benefit not only myself but others that I may come across. I don't even need the word marriage, it is so tainted to me anymore. All I want is to enjoy all life's benefits and legalities that others do.

Freedom: exemption from external control, interference, regulation, etc.
Freedom: personal liberty
Freedom: exemption from the presence of anything specified
Freedom: ease or facility of movement or action: to enjoy the freedom of living in the country.
Freedom: a particular immunity or privilege enjoyed
Freedom: the right to enjoy all the privileges or special rights of citizenship, membership

My personal favorite::::
Freedom: the power to exercise choice and make decisions without constraint from within or without; autonomy; self-determination


The day that I see marriage as a SACRED entity is the day that I will not be pissed, disappointed or saddened. The divorce rate in the United States of America is about 50%, how is that sacred. I know people who have been divorced more than once. Give me a god damn break. If I cannot partake in this sacred entity then divorce should not be allowed. One or the other, can't have it both ways now. I laugh when people say this is a free country, for whom? Hypocrits.

According to enrichment journal on the divorce rate in America:
The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%
The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%

4.95 per 1,000 people

How about another important word. Equality.

Equality: the quality of being the same in quantity or measure or value or status

Recap

So I am back again to enlighten all my readers, lol... Anyway, I am feeling better. I went to the doctor and I have bronchitis. huh... I mentioned to the doctor that I was a nursing student and he basically had me diagnose myself. What a nice doctor thou, a physician assistant. He gave me all the drugs I thought I needed. lol He asked me side effects I should look for. So its winter season now, back to the dark hair. This time I colored it DARK brown with some burgundy low lights. Don't tell my sister thou, she hates when I color my own hair. My mental health class is going well. I had 2 days of alcohol/drug detox. Not for me of course but with school. ;) I am still liking it, I find it to be a whole different world than being a nurse on a medical floor. So much more you can offer a patient. MY opinion of course. The Phillies won the world series. There was something special about that team from the beginning. Eagles are just sluggin along, they are lucky there are winning their games. Now the Sixers season just started, they are 2-1. They should 3-0, they are losing their games in the 4th quarters. GOD !!!!! They have 7 new players on their team so I will give them a lil slack till I start getting pissed. The elections in 2 days... we will see how this all pans out. I worked 20 hours this weekend, still a lil sick, my next day off is Wednesday. How I do it, I do not know. Keep smiling...

Ahhh, I feel better now.

Yeah so I don't know whats up with me today but I am usually an upbeat person. I am not a happy camper today. First of all, I have not been feeling well for a week now. I am having a hard time breathing in the mornings, plus a dry hard cough. Hmmmm, maybe I should go to the doctor, nah. I am getting a little bored recently with everything going on in my life. I don't really do much other than Nursing school, studying, working EVERY weekend. I knew school would be academically challenging but I think I was more worried about me getting into a rut r/t being bored. I have no time to do anything, I guess that is good considering I have no $$$ to go along with it. I want to move, this place is too small. I want a house NOW. I am now taking care of my sister's recently widowed bird. So what did I decide to do but get another one to keep it company. They are so loud, OMG. I can't even think when they are going to town on the chirping and whistling. lol They are too cute thou. My cat, "Lola" has been sick recently. She will lay on me or next to me and sneeze, ALOT. I will be studying with my books on the desk or on the bed and she will jump up and lay right on my books. My mother is a stress. She works all the time, making good money yet she can't pay her bills. I say I don't get it but I lie. She spends all her money on things that make her look good, make her look like she is "well off" to all her friends. She actually calls me and asks me for money, me who works 16 hours a week and still pays all my bills. All I ever wanted from her was some sort of support system. I could go on there but I want to stop thinking about her right now. My sister is divorced with 2 kids. She needs a swift kick of reality. She works 4 days a week not even 8 hour shifts. My family pays some of her bills, they are paying off her college loan for beauty school. LOL... She uses her money for spin classes and massages. When I say my family I mean my grandmother, and my 3 great aunts. If it were not for them I would have moved soooooo far away from here by now. They have supported me in anything and every aspect of my life, unconditionally. I will and must graduate for them if not for myself. I am extremely lucky and spoiled when it comes to them. =) I am the oldest grandchild and oldest niece. They think I can do anything I put my mind to, they have definitely instilled that into my brain and for that I thank them every chance I get.
I turn on the TV and it is so sickening to watch some of this stuff. With the elections, it is a leap of faith right now that either candidate will do what is right. I used to like R&B, hip-hop, and some rap music. I am so disgusted with the attitudes and choice of words towards women and others that are in this music anymore. If you ever wondered why young adults hurt and kill each other, you don't need a degree for that one. Just listen to Jay Z, Akon, Young Jeezy... they are telling them "if you do this, cause this is what I did, you will have a diamond necklace, big house, 4 cars". It's all very disturbing. These kids don't know any better, their dad is no longer in their lives. Their mother is probably working 2 jobs and probably shuns them away when she does get free time. Schools are so crowded and packed that teachers don't even know these kids names to hold them accountable. It's just a mess. See, I told ya I was in a foul mood today. Every country hates us. We are snobs to other countries, we could save you... Shit we are a mess. I am 31 and I feel like I am 40. I don't drink, I don't go to bars or clubs anymore. I am bored, and when I am bored I start to do things I should not be doing. I have always been a person who welcomes change, change is a good thing. As I have been getting older, I have always been one to get what I want. If I wanted it, not because of being spoiled but because of being determinate, it was mine. The problem I am having these days is that I am getting so close to getting something, my gosh darn conscience is getting in the way. I used to be so inventive and driven that I had so much fun. For reasons known and unknown I am not like that anymore, I think that is what I am missing.
I have recently started a new course at school, mental health. I had, in '95, gone to another college in the area and taken a handful of addiction studies courses. Even back then I just knew it was something I was really interested. So, as I was saying, I have a mental health class. I am just lovin it right now. I, for the first time EVER, am ahead of the class scheduled readings. lol I do understand that some people will look at me and ask me why. It is not for everyone and I get that. I think I like the interaction part of it, the patience part of it, the non-judging part of it. Everyone has their problems. One person might spend too much freakin money and can't pay their bills, some may sleep with everyone they see, another may use drugs. All these problems disrupt a NORMAL life, name 1 person with a NORMAL life. Some problems are looked down upon, some problems you can't even see, and some problems are glorified. So... after all this whining I have been doing I have realized something again. I am a god damn good person and many people will benefit from me being a god damn good person. =) Go Phills !!!

It's sad to say, but thank god it's over.

I have just finished my obstetrics course, thank god its over. I was interested for about a week or 2, but the topics were really not interesting to me. I ended up with a 84% for the course, I will take it. I am happy with it because I was not interested in it at all. The teachers were good it was just the subject matter. I have no kids nor do I want any kids. I am excited to get into mental health. I have often thought that this might be the way of a profession for me. I have a much bigger interest in this subject than i do of vaginal births. Well anyway, I am psyched, I have about 8 months left (if all goes well) till I graduate from school and I am a Registered Nurse. It has been hard so far but it has been doable. Till then...

Courage...

Courage

to be accepting of things that are triviality

to stand up for gross negativity

to speak out for others with vulnerability

to be me in the face of adversity

Courage

to understand the value of a choice

to agree to disagree with another's voice

to ask for help when it is needed

to treat others how I want to be treated

Back to school...

So its back to school time, I am excited. Lets get this show on the road, ready to move on with my life. I am tired of living in the city, with loud, rude, unaware neighbors. The more I live here the more I am not liking people. There are a few things I am not really looking forward to with this new school year, I will miss a few people. It won't be the same, and I know how I am, I am wondering if I can be enthralled with school as I was before. It was easier before I had a very NICE reason to go and listen so intently. lol... Now that eagerness to learn is not there anymore. My first course is obstetrics, I hope it goes well. Someday I will go deeper into my personal business but today I cannot. Wish me luck...

Working over the summer...

School is out and you would think I could enjoy myself, nah... why do that. I will work 6 days a week and pretend I actually like it. Money makes the world go round. My job is piece of cake, I am the unit clerk (sometimes nurse aide) on a cardiac floor. I run it... I mean other than the boss of course. lol. If ever there is something needed, who does it? ME. If a nurse does not understand how to process an order or read a doctor's order who does it? ME. There is this one biotch I work with, she has been a nurse for 32 years. If you do something to long you will get burnt out, some people can get away with it because its just something they were meant to do. This specific nurse should have quit 30 years ago. She complains about everything, the other nurses, the doctors, the PATIENTS, the rules, the policies. It is just very tiring listening to her, plus did I mention she is a biotch. She talks down to you with every breathe that comes out of her stank mouth. She has attempted to get me fired twice now, obviously she failed but this means that her and I are not on the best of terms. I am a happy, cool, calm, and collective chick so not many things fluster me. She does thou. I lack good communication with her. I told my boss that my philosophy with her is to avoid and ignore. It has worked for the most part, until I HAVE to talk with her. She is a barker, barking orders at everyone and I refuse to let anyone talk to me like that. So there is where we differ. One thing that happened to me once was when I first started working at my hospital. I was a nurse aide and extremely business, trying to do 8 things at once. I was walking down the hallway and in a rush, but I heard a patient moan a little and ask if anyone is there. I was trying to complete 1 task before starting another, but I walked by the room and finished what I was doing. Ten minutes later I came walking back that way and the call bell was still on, I walked into the room and found the patient on the floor bleeding from the head. My heart sank. This patient had fallen out of bed and hit her head on the table, but that's not the part that crushed me. This patient needed help, asked for it and I passed her up to finish my agenda. I have never forgotten that incident, it really lives with me every time I step onto the floor at work. I have things to do in a day, YES, but the underlying purpose of me being there is to help a person in need when needed. I know others were as responsible for that patient as I was but I know myself, I don't know the thoughts and motivations of all my fellow employees. I know it sounds righteous of me but I make a difference in everyone that meets me, and that is what I believe and set out to do. My purpose of sharing this story is to make a point of that nurse who has been a nurse for 32 years. I have seen her and others do some things that I would never do, some of those things I have reported, not because I think she is a crappy nurse or a crappy person either. She recently just got her bachelors degree, sorry to tell her, but she is not any better of a nurse now than what she was last week. She should take time out of exercising her brain and start exercising her heart again. Part of me is glad I have had the opportunity to work with her, I know what kind of nurse I do not want to be like.

Bloggin baby

Hi. I ALWAYS have alot to say but not everyone likes what comes out of my mouth. I really have not done anything this summer, to many other people and things to take care of. I know I will have many entries about my family, how they are killing me softly (that is my mother and my sister). I am getting set to head back to school, I have had off for a month and a half. I hate work, I work with a bunch of (oops... lol, not so nice women). I have never known the phrase "your efficient" to be a bad thing. Where I work, they have made me despise that word. I make them look bad so that is now the word of choice to put me down yet do it with a fake smile. I am ready to get back to school, get this shit on with and over with. I have 1 more year of nursing school. You know what gets me. I tell many nurses that I work with that I am in nursing school. They look at me with disgust and ask me "Why would you want to do that?" Let us keep in mind that these nurses are, on average, nurses for 10+ years. I laugh at them and ask them "why they haven't quit yet if its so bad". They say that they are "to old to do anything else". I laugh, and with my smart-ass ways I tell them "don't worry, when I am your boss I will think about letting you keep your job". That always shuts them up. If I do not stop now I could go on for a while. bye

Not all mothers are the same...

Why is it that parents can do whatever they want with their lives without thinking of the images they leave on their children, but watch out if the children embarrass the parents. I take it back, their is no family, my father left when I was 4. BUM !!! I know my mom tries her hardest to do the best she can in her life. I also know that she has had one hell of a bad hand dealt to her. But it comes a time in your life when you hit a "place" where you see what has happened to you, what has gone wrong, and what has led you to this "place" your at. You have ample opportunities to fix, mend, patch up the consequences of your earlier bad actions. She just does not get it or see it. She is in a big hole and has a great job, great personality to go with it, making good money. Yet that hole is bigger than it ever has been. I have always been "too old" for my age, always being the civilized one through all my families ups and downs. I have a lot on my plate right now, and when I need some encouragement and "motherly" love there is none to go around. She is more than capable of saying she is a great mom to everyone that knows her. Ask her daughters. The shit I have to put up with should automatically make me a saint. The details are to many and the story tooooo long. I am satisfied with just knowing that I know I got my back.

Life...

When you say it is simple,
It says - not as simple as you think!
When you say it is difficult,
It says - not as difficult as you think!
When you say it is beautiful,
Giving a healthy challenge,it says - are you sure?
When you say it is pathetic,
Making things easier, it says - chill dear.
When you say you know it well,
It will confuse you and say - you bet!
When you say - has anyone understood you still ?
It will comfort you saying, someday maybe you will !
That's life...

School could be better right now...

Okay so I am not one to really talk shit on others, just something that I think is crappy that needs to be disgust. I have 2 classes right now in school, an assessment course which is pretty cool. The other course would be great if it were taught just a little bit more coordinated. It's all very important statements and information about diseases and cancer but if they don't really know the answers how would I. They teach very unsure of what they are teaching. I am just glad this class is almost over because it will be a miracle who ever passes it. It has been a big mess this class. I feel sorry for the students who have near failing grades because who knows whats around the corner in this class. One more month to go, and then maybe I will be back to being able to do things not having to do with school. I haven't really talked to anyone in awhile because everyone wants to go out and I don't. I have a few priorities on my list right now, I am going to pass this shit even if it kills me. Failure is never an option for me, I always do good. It just depends if my heart is in it.

3 years now...

Yeah !!! Hello, my name is Stefani and I am not an alcoholic. Today is my 3 year anniversary of an alcohol-free life. I had seen so many people with alcohol problems or just problems resulting from alcohol. I must admit it is easier for me to do this cause I cannot stand the smell of alcohol. But there was a time when I would drink everyday when I was in college. I cannot remember those days, but I will tell you that those days have made me who a I am today. The people I met, the situations I had to over come, the memories that still, somehow, reside in my brain. I would drink to escape reality, help my reality, hide my reality. I just got tired of waking up in the morning and apologizing or feeling guilty, or even not remembering. I have done alot of things so far that assisted me with escaping reality, I will not mention those things thou. That was all because I was new to the world when I got to college. Everyone drinks just about, when you go out with your friends they drink, when you go to a sport event people drink. It's everywhere. I like my reality, I am a good person and I want to be aware of what I say and do. I have always been a happy-go-lucky person, when I drink I LOVE EVERYONE. So yeah to me for fighting the crowd.

To know her...

Beckoning me, she calls
Enticing me to come close
Like a light in the dark
How incredibly she glows
She keeps her own distance
But I yearn to get inside
Wanting to know this woman
Answers only she provides
Mysterious and strange
She seems to hold the one key
Of what it is that charms
And excites the girl in me
If she would let me in
To share her hidden secrets
I would honor her heart
Forever guard and keep it
This fruitless alluring
Seems brutally so unfair
To reach out yet not touch
Left to only kiss the air

Until...

I never knew that passion, could be as intense as this.
The longing for your gentle caress, the enticement of your kiss.
As I walk past where you're sitting, my body seems on fire,
I long to extend my fingertips as I tremble with desire.
I smell the air that surrounds you, every hair stands up on end,
like an addict waiting for a fix, or that need for the latest trend.
My breath grows deep and heavy, my pulse intensified,
and I feel everyone can hear my heart as I draw up by you're side.
My brain and heart are racing, yet everyone else is slow,
you turn your head and raise those eyes - How can you not know?
A moment as if the world has stopped, just the two of us exist,
a mutual feeling of forbidden desire, how can either resist?
Yet another day, another dream - we both know this is wrong,
so i struggle to pull away my gaze, and stifle my passionate song.
We long to be in each others arms, face to face and skin to skin,
but we have to wait, this cannot be - until we've left the situation were in.

Sort-of-Happy

To my troubled heart I left behind so long ago
I tried to have you, hold you, keep you
We sat and talked in the moonlight, in the hail
I remember those days in the red camaro
Oh, that red camaro. That was so you.
Strong, assertive, willed, powerful
If I had what I have now you would not have ran
stop, press rewind. That would be so sweet.
Dude, you meant everything to me.
You were my knight(ess) in the red camaro.
I would have gone anywhere with you
All I needed was some guts, some courage
That is not my problem anymore,
you are not here anymore. in front of me.
When I was unsure, I had you
When I wanted you, you didn't need me
I would call just to hear your voice
We would watch movies till 2 A.M.
for that brief time, it all stood still
the stare, the smile, the denial
the blushing that consumed your face
I cannot say anything right anymore.
My time, our time I feel has past
Why do our lives follow different paths.
I wish I could just tell you
I am so very happy I met you
It's hard to think something so right,
could be one of the hardest things to get.
You will forever, ever be in my heart
I know I will never forget Angelica Park.

Dear Dad...

I try not to think of what it might have been like
to see you, to hear you, to count on you
I wanted you to be there when I fell
I needed you to be there when I was scared
I wished you were there when I was alone
I cried, yelled, kicked and punched
but that never brought you back
I grew up to be such an awesome person
please do not take any credit for that
you left when I was 4 and that's when I was born
I was forced to depend on me
I was forced to love me
I learned to not cry at all
I became very cautious and never falter
I don't like horror movies so I am never scared
Dear Dad, maybe you can take some credit after all
you have made me non-trusting, non-commitable,
emotionless, skeptical, uninviting.
Thanks...